


The Dim Rememberance

by StainedGlassDreams



Series: Earth, Please Come In, Over [15]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Bucky is a stubborn idiot, F/M, Love, Memories, Nightmares, and needs to be reminded of this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 04:50:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5571730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StainedGlassDreams/pseuds/StainedGlassDreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sun flares caused their usual technological havoc on Earth, while Space is haunted by memories, and unnecessary guilt, floating near Neptune.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place the same week as "Fall", documenting the 3rd night.

The sun flared, peaks of Light whisking from it's core.  
It's the closest they've been back to earth in a while, their latest mission taking them to, as sci-fi novella as it gets, Neptune; the gaseous planet currently used unwillingly as a base for a stubborn rebel pilot.  
Felt bad for the blue planet, boarded & trespassed upon, the gas itself, the blaring neon signs.

Light erupted.

Neon signs.

One of the greatest ones was the fact that he, very obviously, hasn't slept in a few days.  
Bucky sat in his room.  
No naps; just can't sleep.  
Knew it was because they were in their system, the knowledge like a sick, slow poison.

Tried to tell himself that.

Hated himself more for keeping "PRIVACY" on like some little kid in his room.  
Could honestly feel Steve & Sam from all the way in this outer orbit, as he wouldn't take any calls; just sent a few in-room messages saying "I'm fine", "Just need some space. All puns intended."  
Got back "Good to see you still have your humour. Just take care of yourself Bucky." to "It's okay to admit it Buck."

Even someone who didn't know Steve as well as him, could guess which was his. Because it's the kind of thing Bucky would say to him, situation reversed (wouldn't wish his worst enemy in this however).  
Daisy even sent a few notes, all saying to please get rest, as she had been monitoring his vitals. There was a way to override it but wouldn't dream of it.

The sun reached out again.

If he wanted to be entirely honest with himself, it was a nightmare that was keeping him up, another neon sign ignored. Akin to someone closing their eyes & pretending the giant ball of light outside, didn't exist.  
He'd had it when they entered into their system, old haunts attempting to try his head even further.

Wanted to lie down, but couldn't get himself to.

Wasn't even a nightmare. Just...

The sun continued it's geysers.

It was a random night, a handful of years ago. He woke up, his mind knowing, but his body confused.  
Remembers asking her "You awake?". The guilt pang for it, still echoing into now.  
She turned to him, her face slightly worried. "James?..." Saw his eyes like warning signs, the sentence itself concerning.  
Sat up, placing her hand on the small of his back. "...What happened?"  
Couldn't get himself to reply, whatever he dreamed, still trying to keep him there. Once again, her touch, an anchor.  
Spoke quietly, both out of shame, and that that was all he could get his body to do. "Had to make sure you were real." His mind wants to default to Russian to cover the raw bareness of it, but can't get himself to do it, the Russian words still locked in place from the dream.

She placed a kiss on his back, before putting another a little lower, the shivers up his spine rushing life back to him.  
Natalia slowly laid her head against his spine, stayed for a few moments.  
She then carefully eased him back down, his eyes locking into hers, & she mirroring it.  
"You're here. Same as I am. & you're not going anywhere."  
Controls his breathing, finally able to talk again. "...I'm sor-"  
"Stop."  
He shut up, his eyes saying it over & over to the forests of her own.  
"I know. But-"  
"Then you know you don't have to." Says it in her sight, but utters it, because she knows. "You have nothing to apologize for. You don't get to stop me from saying it, if you get to, James." Smiled and it was like life rushed back, the clutch of the nightmare; gone.  
"[How did I deserve you?]"  
"Because you're a good man." Pauses. "[Argue with me, and you'll never step foot in another pancake house for as long as we both live.]"  
"That's mean."  
"& you're stubborn." She kid back, knowing he was back home.

...What kept him up wasn't the memory. They put a new wound each time, but he'd made that decision the moment he walked out of the hospital.  
What's kept him up for 3 days straight, wholeheartedly, was he was scared he didn't do enough.  
Scared that we didn't Thank her enough (He did, his rational self replied)  
Didn't do enough (That's an even bigger pile of crap)  
...Didn't tell her (She'd kick your ass for thinking it).

Knew each point was a lie, and she would say the same.  
Just making pain, with more pain, insomnia making him irritable.

The sun continued it's dance.

Bucky laid down, trying to resist closing his eyes.

(You need sleep, her voice echoed.)

Swore he felt her hand on his arm.

(Stop being stubborn, my dear.)

Closed his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

She set her keys down into the dish, the metal clanging against the porcelain. Liho mewling at her return.

Nat took off her leather jacket (still smelling of Arlington, through repeated washes which was driving her near crazy), lightly scratching Liho's head.  
Cursed silently to herself as she began to undress, heading for the shower.

Or, at least tried to. Clutched at the table, trying to ignore the ghost that sat in her couch again.  
"Look, I just had a really bad day, and don't feel like this right now."  
Liho scampered away, already used to these talks to, in her mind, absolutely nothing. Probably thinking her owner finally cracked, talking to the walls.  
("Only here because you want me to be.")  
Sighed quietly. "....[And no hints, right?]"  
The only reply, the quiet AC as it clicked on.

Tightened her grip, as she restrained herself from yelling.  
There's a memory that had been scratching at her mind, though she can't pin it down.  
In her frustrations, he usually just sat in the corner, as he did now, appearing saddened.  
"You're here because I can't remember."  
Silence. Took it as a yes.  
"Then why can't you help?"

Her phone suddenly started vibrating off the hook, the recent solar storm knocking communications out sporadically, hence, the near failed mission by the crackling comms.  
A few messages from Stark & Wilson, as well as Steve. Carol messaged a few more times, the last vibration from her text.  
She'd been silent for a while, to everyone, but Carol cared. The small text glowed, "You awake?"

She clutched onto the table, as she felt the ghost head near her, trying to comfort her.  
The memory she couldn't remember, suddenly & quickly coming back. Some night in Spring, the question spoken in a quiet voice that made her heart pump in concern.  
Whispered apologies stopped by her insistence that neither of them ever needed to, his eyes filled with guilt (he didn't need to, never should have to).  
She tried to catch her breath, the memory raw.

Nat went to her room, getting her notebook out, writing it down as fast as she could.  
She finished, setting the pen and notebook down.  
Looked to her right to see him new guilt coming from him. "....You're here because I want to remember. ....And you don't want me to."  
He stayed quiet, finally breaking the silence. ("....That's your decision. Should always have been.")  
Didn't understand, too tired for riddles.  
("....I'm here because you want me to be, Natalia, because I can't let myself not be. And I can never be sorry enough.")  
Liho climbed in, as Nat looked down on her and back, the ghost, gone.

Cocked her head at Nat, meowing if she was done talking to ghosts.  
Nat laid down, the 3 nights without sleep finally catching up to her.  
Closed her eyes, as her mind said, oddly, you still don't need to apologize, the solar flares raging on.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this Tumblr post: http://witchoria.com/post/129869524442
> 
> & Reflection Nebula- "The Dim Rememberance":  
> http://soundcloud.com/frith-1/the-dim-remembrance
> 
> Again, Thanks for reading :)


End file.
